Okay asdjalsjdajd I had an ABSOLUTELY insane day yesterday.

Firstly, I didn't sleep. Much. Like, uh, two hours, because I forgot I had an after-vaccination check-up at the hospital (which I entirely didn't mention to anyone at all, so really if this comes to you as a shock...XD;) and UGHHHHH why was it at, like, 10am?

Oh, right, because I had to go pick my brother from school at 1.

XD oh yeah with this H1N1 thing? Maaaaan getting into a hospital has never been harder. I mean, with the thermal scanners it's less invasive than that time with the SARS, but fumbling for my IC and having to figure out just HOW to tell them what I'm doing in the hospital was less fun than just the normal temperature screening.

I mean, I was going to the, uh, Clinical Trials Research Unit? Yep, the after-vaccination was mainly because what I got was a trial-based one for dengue fever.

Then after that went to the Food Fair @ Expo (alsdjajdl SO MANY PEOPLE! And first day, at that.) to buy stuff for Mum (like this weird seaweed thing that is NOT conventional seaweed but more of the japanese soup kind but not exactly) and then rushed off to pick up brother from his last day of this semester.

Yes, the primary and secondary schools here are going into June holidays, so my brother, annoying and loud brat he is, will be home ALL. THE. TIME. Not conducive to singing/recording/anything at all, but, well, he's my brother.

Then piano lesson and stuffs, and then churchwide bible study. Which was AMAZING. With too many exclamation marks and shiny things than should be humanly possible. It would probably bore everyone for me to go on and on about it? XDD.

But yeah, I think I cried more in this week than I have for like the last two years. Not that I'm depressed, really! It was just a....um, emotional release? A lot of things that I hadn't been thinking about or thought was insignificant just got a lot more important than I thought they were.

XDDD Basically that means I slept for two hours, and was out the entire day until after midnight~ Fun times, yes?

Well you know like if I'm going to spazz I'll crosspost this. (Aka I has dreamwidth, darlings~ ballade @ dreamwidth because sakustar is so boring)

askdadjadjla Higashi no Eden OP. And Shangri-La OP. And Phantom OP, Basquash OPED, etcetcetc.

I mean, Oasis, May'n, ECLIPSE (Nakajima Megumi, Tomatsu Haruka, Hayami Saori) aka my favourite seiyuu group of at least this season, HIMEKA (who I've fangirled since like forever), KOKIA, abingdon boys school, FictionJunction, p'ezmoku, YUI, SID... well now you know how "vast" my music preferences are.

And ROFL Arad Senki and 8-bit music.

Sometimes I adore how Nico people take the time to compile OP and ED videos for each season and, you know, let us watch it all together without having to search when you a) might not know the name, b) wouldn't know there was one otherwise or c) wasn't interested in the season at all in the first place. Of course, there are bad things about it, like how you have to clickclickclick to skip the songs you don't like -coughALIPROcough-.

And then there is the crack music which I won't mention since, well. Crack.

Now, really, I have to compile a "to-sing" list more than ever.

Damn, you have no idea how irritated/agitated/utterly mad I am right now.

( and cue short rant )

Haha, my life has been scarily routine for a while. Not that that's bad, just a little abnormal. I'm not used to it, lol.

Weather has been fluctuating like mad recently, with it raining one second and horridly bright the next (more bright than raining, but...well pros and cons abound). I much prefer when it rains (because Mum gets mad when I have the air-con on a little too often), but on Sunday the weather was...okay, not perfect, but much better than I thought it would be.

Recently (as in past two days) started listening to Taiwanese radio streamed over the internet (Pop Radio 91.7, in particular), and realised that, hey, I can semi-sort of figure out Japanese singer names from listening to how they're translated over the radio.

Oh, and Kago Ai has acted in a movie with Vanness Wu and some other woman that I can't remember the name of. Out soon, not sure if it's world-over or just Taiwan, and she is...well, in that movie she's quite a chilli padi. Never thought she could be quite so fierce, but weeeeeelll. Idols. You never really get to know them TOO well.

Finally got myself moving, and downloaded a few things these past few days. Haven't had the opportunity to listen to them, though, but from MVs on youtube and previews and whatnot apparently they're quite good.

Oh yes, and I <333333 Kato Miliyah's & Shimizu Shota's collab on Love Forever. Not out yet but ONCE IT'S OUT expect a cover from me.

I want inspiratioooooooooon.

Stupid evil project is evil and hard to get my brain around. And my mum enjoys bitching at me (in ways like going all "Let me use your computer.") because the family computer doesn't work AND IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME. I mean, in ways other than being irritated all the time when I'm trying to do my work.

This is why I hate staying at home when I have work to be done. But...I mean, there's nowhere else lah, and my battery is so crappy that it'll die after an hour and a half now, which is evil when I have a lot of work to be done and nowhere to charge, so...

Truth be told, the project is really a scary amount of evil. It looks deceptively simple, yes, and well plotted out already, but I am having a major block on it AND THE DEADLINE IS NEXT MONDAY~

And, little problems, but youku isn't working for me AT ALL which means I do not get my fix of crack for the week.

Really, this sucks.

He sent me a text when he thought I was asleep already (and I was planning to sleep, but my brother was being annoying), and...well, he's just so sweet.

Has it only been one day? It's been so short and so long at the same time.

Didn't see him today, which is/was/should be/must be/would have been for the best, but somehow I miss him. Haha, "new love", no?

Alright, going to bed now, but even until now I'm smiling~

My heart is beating so fast and my fingers are shaking and omgomgomg.

Is this what you call love at first sight? Okay, wait, not first sight exactly, but oh dear even I find that this is going ridiculously fast. But he's awesome. I'll probably never find someone like him again, so I don't want to let him go. He's not handsome, but I never went for the hot guys anyway. He's honest, he's good to me, he's....oh dear I don't want to stop talking but I'm going all squeeeeeee inside and oh...

You know what, I did say before that love was nowhere to be found but, this time...I want to think that I've found it.

I want to think that I've found something special (and it is special, no mistake) and that this time I can keep it. But maybe I can't. Maybe I can. Maybe I can't.

I'm scared to get my hopes up too high. I'm scared that they'll fall and break. But...

I know I can trust him.

Sometimes life is just so ridiculously marvelous.

I have mood...WELL NOT MOOD SWINGS NOT SO DRASTIC AND QUICK.

I suppose it's mostly who I talk to, who I'm with (or not with), what happened today, and whether I woke up on the right end of life or not that day, hahahaa. There are days where I can wake up feeling like shit and then have an ABSOLUTELY wonderful day and that just balances things out, but there are also days when I wake up feeling bleh and the entire day is totally badbadbad and then it's just....not good.

I have exams. Did I say I have exams? Yes I did.

Guess who hasn't started on STUDY!studying yet?

And then I'm stuck on the Marketing project and that is REALLY bad because there is only one week between after exams and deadline and it's four tasks, not one, AND I have this very bad habit of getting caught up in new things and giving up on old ones altogether.

Buuuuut today was good. Went to church for the second time today (not in life, just to that church), had fun, laughed myself silly during the sermon (BECAAAAAAAAUSE. There were skits and it was...WELL. SUGGESTIVE TO THOSE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.) which was last instalment in a two-month long series of sermons on love, marriage, and how God and his principles apply to them and priorities and all that. Some things I really agreed with, some things I was mehhhhh about, some things I really didn't understand but then again I'm not married I'm just the kid of a married couple so I kinda understand where it's coming from is all.

The people there are as nice as nice gets, but this is the first time I've really talked to them so we have to wait and see, really.

Oh, and apparently I look very arty-musical because NO ONE could believe I cycled to service (why, it's not THAT far, only what an hour's walk and fifteen minutes cycling fast?) or that I would be the type to cycle anyways.

Jo said when I asked her that my so-called "seriousness" is just...well, maybe a cover for something else, but I don't know myself that well (and honestly I don't think I'm that serious at all, just a bit lacking in humour and too deadpan for anything else) and Jo couldn't find something to descibe what she thought it was, so, well, I give up.

I'm probably different things to different people, but that's how things are for everyone anyway, right?

I don't understand myself.

Why is it that I'm always looking for your traces? It's over. Over. Over. Not that anything ever began. It might have been better, right? If I hadn't said anything, if I could bear it and then let it slip away.

Well, no use regretting it now.

Now it seems like there's a gap I can never close, not as a person, not as a friend. We're hardly even friends now; it's so irritating.

And yet whenever I see you (online only, because even though here is so small we'd never meet on the streets and we never talk now, either, so it's not like we would meet deliberately) I want to talk to you, I want to ask about your day, I want to know more. Pity. There's just a gap I can never close, a wall I can never demolish.

I don't even want to think about it any more.

Somehow me being as contradictory as I am makes me want to look for love even though I know it's nowhere to be found.

Like, omg, it's done. Finally. Technically we finished all prep work yesterday but TODAY was the presentation and heck it being individual marks for that, I still worried like mad over everything and everyone.

It doesn't help that I'm practically official script-writer/checker for EVERYONE. And that I just about wrote and edited the entire project. Essay. Powerpoint. E-VE-RY-THING.

These mad weeks are finally over but another trial by fire is up...exams.

I have this feeling that I'm going to scrape by Innovation BECAUSE of the project and nothing else.

And then I haven't even started on my Marketing assignment which is going to be sent overseas and VERYVERYIMPORTANT because if I fail that I don't get my cert from CIM. Scaaaary.

The assignment is HARD. VERY.

And now that I've gotten most everything out of system I have to say that people from new church are not bad. I can talk like half an hour on the phone with them (and it's only because I was on the bus and my phone was dying) and ahaha, it's so fun~!

I never realised how much I missed just talking and talking over the phone to someone who's interested.

But then with it being this hectic I feel myself falling sick; halfway through class my head was hurting in the vaguely no-energy but cannot fall asleep way that I hatehatehate soooooo much. God knows why I was even awake at 10 this morning, but I was and thus...well.

I am so, so, sooooooo tired.

And so stressed.

But then again I've bitched to everyone under the sun about it so I shall refrain from doing that again.

Two consecutive days of noon to midnight project meetings (nearly twelve hours, darlings, and all of it spent doing research and typing and more research and editing and picture finding and picture editing and intellectual language). Kim's house is full of food. I MEAN. Tea and sandwich and fruits and pizza takeout and fried rice and beehoon and chocolate and red bean muachee and loads and loads of FOOD.

It's a good thing but it also makes a stuffed Imo.

And I've probably drank more water today than I have in years.

So tired; going to bed because my brain does not function any more.

I-don't-get-it.

Why the hell are girl friends always unnaturally interested in my admittedly non-existent love life?

Admittedly, right now I have more than I can remember in my entire we-shall-talk-love-life period of life, but! Still! What is it with them and my "relationships"?!

Hahaha. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a co-ed class for so long, but I am entirely oblivious to guys. Really. Like, um, guys are guys are guys and uhhhhhhh wait why do you keep asking me if there's someone I like anyway!

But then of course it doesn't help when in my group one is married, two have steady boyfriends, and the only one who is supposedly single is the one who is closest to my age and thereby the most boy-crazy.

Then again maybe by the time I actually find someone I'll be singing a different tune, but let me stick to my denial a little longer.

Do they really connect people?

Doing this project on them has made me think quite a bit. How are they innovative? Why are they innovative? Are they innovators just because they caught on to the trend that no one else did all those years ago (early 90s, if you'll believe me), or are they innovators because they took something and introduced something new to it that made it special?

The phone is something old. The mobile phone is something old that was miniaturised and made portable through new breakthroughs in how complex circuitry could be. Is the ability to change the look of your phone at a few dollars a casing an innovation? Whenever there's a good thing, everyone wants a bit of the pie.

From an unknown company in the middle of nowhere (also known as Finland, Europe) to one of the global leaders in the mobile phone industry. Quite an experience, surely, and I say one of the global leaders because I'm quite sure that a lot of people would disagree if I had said that it's the global leader in the handphone market. Of which it is not, not now. In the past, perhaps. Technological advancements and its introduction into the market also need to depend on the right opportunity. When Nokia introduced the 3G phones it was not, but now that Apple has it IS.

And I'm not even anywhere past the introduction for the book I borrowed for research yet.

Expect more essays or whatnot on this soon; doing homework makes me think quite a bit.

Project deadline gets closer by the day and we're not doing anything. But at least we've, uh, started. I hope.

I seem to love bringing trouble on myself. Consolidate the project? Suuuuuuuure.

One thing about my class right now is that a select group dislike our Marketing lecturer strongly, and give him lots of problems. He's not the best teacher, sure, but they're behaving like 15 year olds with an attitude problem, and most of them are ten years older than I am! If you don't like him, fineeeeee, but please don't delay our progress because of some petty things?

It's not like we have time to waste, you know.

Twenty five going on five, indeed.

So tired; I got only two hours of sleep today although I did take a three hour nap last night, and there was class and I had to get research material from the library and everything. It's not done to photocopy library material, it seems, and then there's just a lot of junk mixed in with the main points (alright, not junk, more like excessive explanation) so I have to sift it all out and then send all the points relevant to Nokia's history to Miki. And then do the case study which means MORE trudging through the book so I need a lot of mind power. Which I do not have at the moment.

Kim, when she's not being overly sensitive due to stress, is quite a nice person.

And why is there a sort of curse over group projects? In the middle of it someone's computer always dies. Personification of Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

When things are going too smoothly I always start to worry because it's quite true, this Murphy's Law thing. There's no forever in paradise. What goes up comes down, since this IS Earth after all and not the Moon, and what will come will come.

Sounds more like me trying to be not stressed and not panicky but failing very badly and knowing it, no?

I'm really out of it so I probably make no sense and if this is weird just ignore it; you'll be seeing quite a few such posts.

School and all, life is getting pretty eventful.

My hair is, apparently, fussy. God knows how, but so Selena says (new friend/groupmate). Ergo she has great ideas about what I should do with it.

I found a new group, yes. Was thinking about using Nokia for the Innovation project, but then we talked through it and then we figured that Nokia was always second or third best in innovation, and Kim got super hyped about Apple (of which I know more of the history due to us having an old-style Apple computer before) because she has an iPhone and started praising it to the skies. I'm thinking that the iPhone is one of the old+new innovations, with the old technology already used in Japan and Korea (for blogging and net surfing and things like that) with the new of the touchscreen and the English interface and the design, but I can never be totally sure. Needs research, indeed.

Sometimes I wonder how many sides of me I can show. I'm always sort of cut off from people? Or at least I give out that feeling. And that's sad. Ahh, I don't have much trust in myself.

Such a morose, emo creature.

I woke up today with a splitting headache, and then a slight fever. 37.7 degrees Celsius. Nothing big, no? Just take in more water and go to bed, my mother said.

And then I woke up with a temperature of 38 degrees. How the sleep helped, I have no idea.

When my dad came back he made a huge fuss and then was all "Panadol! And rest!" It'll go down by tomorrow, probably. Fevers like this always do.

Thinking back it's been about a year and a half since I last had one, although that last time it was together with a throat infection and had my temperature going up over 39 no matter how much Panadol I took (40, once, I think). This time is so much better. Not stranded in bed and entirely lethargic, but achy all over. No big deal, ne~

I get in weird moods when I'm sick.

So, second day of school. My only group-mate didn't turn up, and after I sent her a message asking if I needed to help her take course material, she replied after class ended and I was on the way home telling me no need because she wasn't continuing the course with this batch. Argh. And I thought I was being a nice person, too.

My other lecturer refuses to let us call him by his surname (aka, Professor/Dr -insertsurnamehere-). Claims it makes him feel like an 85 year old elderly person, and he's nowhere near that yet. High-strung, sort of jumpy, lots of energy, that type of person. Sort of geekish, kinda thinks he's being friendly and sincere and open when he's just being weird, and stuff like that. Although he did say he was open to questions, and so there were plenty of stupid/good ones.

And then today I voiced an opinion, was made to explain why, and then got this comment from him, "Wow, you can take a PhD already!"

Mind you, I don't know if it was meant to be sincere or sarcastic, but he's a teacher and thereby most of anything that comes from him won't exactly be sincere. Not that I care.

I mean, common sense. It doesn't mean that the more you produce of a certain product, the more it's going to sell. In fact, if it's not hot property already you're just going to be glutting the market with useless products and leaking like a hole in an oil tanker. Expensive, and totally not worth it.

The class is, after all, about marketing. It's also the easier class out of the two I have at the moment because even though it's the one with the international recognition, it doesn't require this major group project of something like a report and a presentation, but just an individual assignment, an online test, and an exam (case studies, as usual) at the end of it. Much better than the other class (Innovation) with said group project AND case studies for homework as well as to be tested for the exam. God, it feels like Social Studies all over again, case studies, case studies and more case studies. At least I know how to make notes for those.

I'm...getting along alright-ish? I know most of my classmates by face if not by name (that will come later, I guess), and the popular guy in the class (also a full 12 years older than me) has found it fit to tease me on occassion.

Quite a nice feeling, really. I'm making friends, I suppose? I'll get their names sooner or later. No hurry.

Overall, a much better day as compared to the first.

Ahhh, no one reads this, I suppose?

Good. Then I can just say whatever I want.

I'm losing friends faster than I can blink, and, damn it, it's more lonely than ever. My best friend seems to be happy living her own life, and I'm really glad that she is, but we never talk any more and I'm not even sure if we're friends now, at that. I don't have any close friends left, and that's just...sad.

I don't make good friends easily, see. Surface friends, acquaintances, people you talk to for three hours and perhaps go shopping with once, those I make easily. But people I trust enough to tell them everything, to get mad at and to rant to when things go wrong, to tell when I get a crush on someone or when I think someone has a crush on me, to be, I don't know, close; those, I find, are impossible to get.

Maybe it's my personality? I won't go out of my way to make friends, far from it, and I won't force people to talk to me if they don't want to. I'm not the center of attention nor do I ever want to be, because I've been there before and I never want to go back. If I feel like I'm talking too much and they're not answering I'll just stop, but is that bad? I'm being too passive, but if I try and be too active I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall and it feels horrible.

I just don't know what to do any more.

It's like I'm caught in a cycle of the same things over and over again. Four years already, god. No more. No more.

And this is why I hate school.

School was alright. A little lonely, a little quiet, but then again it IS my first class and it was mixed in with an earlier batch. They all know each other and, well, I found it kinda scary, so I didn't go over. There are other people who are new, though, and then today we had to form groups for our assignment (asdkjalskdjaj 50% of our grade) that has to be handed in in about a month's time. Almost everyone's a lot older than me, except one guy but then again, well. They all envy us our young age and stuff. Kinda weird.
( favouritism. )

At least today I learned that there is only innovation if an invention has sales potential and does sell. Otherwise, it's just a theory, an invention, a piece of patented junk that doesn't work. Ironically, though, we talked about intellectual property today, and I'm sure (as is our lecturer) that most of the class breaks that law often enough, mostly with music.

Off to be moody and read fic and look through songs. Maybe an update on Thursday; I get to meet my other lecturer.