Being too emotional today, and, really, FML.

I need SOMETHING to get me out of the house while my dad proceeds to bastardise my room with this off-white/pale-yellow monster. My room is done up in light blue, mostly. This is not going to go down well.

Maybe I should get some random job and keep myself so busy I don't do anything but sleep while I'm at home. That'd cut down eyestrain and general hatred for it.

Really, what am I doing, getting so worked up over what colour he decides to paint my room? Oh wait, fuck, that's totally because he probably got the colour wrong when he bought the paint!

I wanted light green, damn it. It's not a be all end all thing, but somehow whenever he goes to his "I bought it now you better damn well use it/don't waste my money" self I just can't take it, today being a total representation of it. Hasn't he screwed up my life enough with that attitude? Why should I take it from him in something like, oh, my room colour, when he's fucked up my education awesomely?

Go jump off a cliff, Dad. That stupid miser side of you, I REALLY don't need.

Yet another reason why I want to leave here as soon as possible.

Yet another sleepless night, ufufu.

Recently I've become a lot more conscious of my body image? People constantly tell me that I'm skinny, but even skinny people have trouble spots. Now that I actually have a webcam, I've kinda abused it by staring at my own face too often. My eyes don't light up when I smile, not that much, not now, at least. I think they used to. Somehow even when I'm smiling, more often than not my eyes look too old.

No idea why, but even though I'm not as active as I was during secondary school, I get hungry more often. I sleep a lot more, too, but that's just making up for YEARS of sleep deprivation, though at seriously odd hours. Yes, I'm nocturnal more often than not. My mum laments the fact that we just don't get time together any more: I'm always asleep far too long.

Cleared out my cupboard recently, and realised that I have a serious LACK of pretty clothes that are not hand-me-downs. My mum insists on using my cupboard to store my brother's clothes and sometimes some of hers, so bleh.

Then again, even if I had the money, I can't afford wasting it on pretty clothes.

I want to sing more, but being a perfectionist in that respect is grating, and everything else doesn't seem to be going anywhere near smooth at all.

Damn it, I really do need a job.

If you thought that this post doesn't say anything in particular, well, it really didn't. Even in what amounts pretty much to obscurity, I'm still not comfortable with sharing all of me, which is sad, since this is, uh, my blog?

Then again, unless I private-lock every entry, nothing on the web is exactly secure, or even mine at all.

My life...is not interesting. The end.

XD anyways.

....WHEN is my mic coming? aslkdjakdjaljd.

I am latelatelate for two collabs (ring ding dong ring ding dong ring~~~). AND I have two assignments to do. Which is blah but not that bad seeing as I am a chronic procrastinator and will end up doing it last minute and have it turn out...well, whatever, anyways.

Today, when asked, my brother said "She's not my sister."

WTF.

He said it three times. To his friend.

I don't get this bloody stupid sibling jealousy thing he has going on (or is he just resentful that we're both "children" and yet I'm his authority figure?) but even for being 7 that is pretty...weird.

Damn, this is aggravating my acceptance issues. Ah well.

I just woke up from a very vivid dream.

The details are blurred, and what made sense then doesn't now that I'm awake, but in it...

"My" parents had, in a misunderstanding and a misheard conversation, donated $45,000 dollars instead of $4,500 to an organisation. Somehow it seemed like both a donation and an investment. The company wanted reparations, and gave them a number slightly above double of what they had presumably "given", and then there was panic.

We ran.

Not my entire family, but "me" and the guy I loved.

Somehow, in it, "I" was selfish, and yet still so incredibly like me. We ran, drew all the money from our accounts before the company could seize it, and just ran. There were no airplanes or ships, so I don't know where we were, but we walked, took buses, hitchhiked our way across places, until, the next day, my phone rang from a friend I hadn't talked to for a while. It was, in the dream, a writing friend, a motherly figure (rozen, to be exact). In the dream "I" was also a writing sort, and had signed up for some annual writing competition, and she was asking me if I wanted to come down because everyone was here.

I don't know, but that "I" clung to that selfish hope that she could start over, left her loved one behind and went.

Somehow at the end she gained absolution.

XD a weird dream, right? Sorry for the just-woken-up babble~ If it doesn't make sense, relax. It's just a dream.

Bloody hell.

If you want to criticise me, tell it to me in my face. I know you're trying to couch it in the form of a meaningful suggestion, but sending it to my mum via SMS is just low.

I want examples. When, why, how, and just WHAT did I do that warranted a warning to not be "overtly friendly"? Have I been? I know we're not friends, of course! If we were then I would have been even more "overtly friendly and open".

Damn them for thinking that being nice and not stand-offish like I usually am is a bad thing.

So bloody annoyed right now: be warned because I might just bite your head off when you talk to me.

Haha, isn't it weird? Growing older by one year just...doesn't have much meaning any more. Don't feel any older than I did yesterday, at any rate.

It's early morning on my end, and those who know my habitual nocturnal hours would probably be all alskdjalsdjka WAIT YOU DIDN'T SLEEP AGAIN at me, but XP I did~ So, um. Why I'm up so early? Well, I got a job.

To be frank, it's an odd coincidence. Today, I'll be getting my first paycheck, and today, I turn 17. Woohoo go me! ROFL.

Yesterday, there was the assorted early birthday celebrations by aunts who just don't know when to stop, XD. No wonder my cousin's wife nags him to 'show restraint'; it's obvious he's the leftover clear up of the family whenever we go out for dinner/buffet. Dim sum for lunch, and chinese-style buffet (that wasn't VERY good, but the thought counts nonetheless) for dinner. A lot of food. A lot of food.

And I gained 3kg from it alone.

Not that the extra weight won't disappear after a few days, of course (since my weight fluctuates like that), but...for the first time ever, I step on a weighing scale and see a number above 45. Kinda scary, at times~

There've been an influx of text messages streaming into my handphone all day, but since normally no one texts me, it came as a bit of a surprise. I'm very certain that last year's birthday wasn't as awesome as this one, so if it's a sign for the year ahead, then good. Either way it was a good surprise, and maybe things are looking up?

Now that I has money, beautiful clothes here I come...or something XD;

Saving up for a trip to Taiwan (yes, Jo, I didn't forget.).

So, like, today and this week and this entire MONTH in general has been downright horrid.

First, I go all OMG!breakdownsfun, and then school goes horrid because I really really REALLY don't want to be there, I think I failed my piano exam, I don't want to continue piano but my dad won't bloody damn it give up because I'm WASTING HIS MONEY! Then grandpa falls over in front of my eyes and I'm practically freaked out at the moment BECAUSE I can't and couldn't catch him (not fast enough not quick enough not strong enough not...well, the REASONS), and hits his head and then it's bleeding all over and NOBODY gives a damn about what kind of wreck I am and orders me to go to school!

And then my dad comes back from the hospital after sending my grandpa there and accuses me of wasting his money yet again because I didn't go for one measly class.

It's always about his money, his money, his money. Well guess what? I'll fucking find a job and then it'll no longer be his money. Urgh.

It isn't like my diploma was paid for with his money in the first place and not my grandma's.

Fucking irritating bastard.

Life is going all eighteen levels of weird in just about every direction you can think of, and I either go meltdown in a corner again or burst.

I think I might just burst. Preferable to the meltdown, since I don't get a stupid brain-killing migraine after.

Since I've been nearly hacking my lungs and basically my entire respiratory system out for the past few days with no returns other than constant and unstoppable assassination attempts on my vocal cords, I just thought that I'd ask if anyone has some easy-to-make relief for it or something that doesn't involve wooziness, giddiness, a general inability to think clearly, or to stay awake. XD;

And I've tried milk with mint in it already, and I hate hate hate hate the taste of it. Makes me much rather be knocked out for however long normal meds would, but time is precious and since I'm not THAT sick (it's just a cough now, isn't it?) I'd, uh, rather not resort to that.

I mean, basically I stay faaaar far away from any type of meds if I don't REALLY REALLY need them.

On another non-illness related note, I'm very, very, very tempted to just redo all of my old recordings (at least, those songs which I still like). How could I have ever been so bad? And why am I still so horrid at it? Ack.

...and before you even say it, yes, Kat, I know I'm my worst enemy when it comes to singing, and that I'm the harshest critique on myself, but, weeeeeeell~~~~ The better I can sing, the less picky I'll be (or something), and thereby the less critical of my singing I'll become...right?

-coughlikethatwouldeverhappencough-

( And ramble on singing. )

Like, I must update about this, because it is irritating me to no end.

Does Panadol/Paracetemol/whatever fever-reducing medicine only work for a limited period of time? I mean, the fever's back again after it disappeared long enough for me to get to school and back, and now it's hovering dangerously near the brain!overheat level (38.7 Celsius, or something like 102 Fahrenheit). AND! I have no headache. Just aches in my wrists and my lower back and the "have to eat something if not I'll vomit" feeling.

Thankfully that went away after a bowl of hot steaming noodles.

If this continues I'm going to freak that MAYBE it's really H1N1, although that's entirely weird since it feels exactly like a throat infection.

Okay, enough deluded ramblings, and thanks for all the concern~ I really appreciate it.

ROFL ROFL and just when I thought I wasn't going to get sick.

Poof, this morning I woke up with a splitting headache, feeling ever so feverish and ouch all over.

Might just have to miss today's class~ ...Damn I knew I should have gone straight back to sleep this morning, and not romanising lyrics just because I felt sort of alright.

XD see you when I'm better, guys.